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Delayed Reception

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Title: Delayed Receptions

Author: Sara B.

E-mail: sabo727@tampabay.rr.com

URL: http://sabo727.tripod.com/

Rating: Good for all

Category: AU, M/Angst, S/Angst, a touch of MSR but this is not a romantic story

Spoilers: The Beginning, Triangle, TGWSC, Tithonus, One Son, the Biogenesis Trilogy 

Summary: Mulder tunes into Scully’s thoughts as she visits him in the hospital upon her return from Africa.  He isn’t happy with what he finds there and he has to deal with it.

Feedback:  Okay, I’ve had a really bad year and feedback will make it a little better so PLEASE!

Archive: I would be honored, just let me know.

Disclaimer:  The recognized characters are used Without Prejudice and are the property of C. Carter, Fox and the wonderful actors who breathed life into written words, most notably G. Anderson and D. Duchovny who were able to make us believe in the improbable.  No Infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission.  The story and before unknown characters belongs to me.

Gratitude: To Kim Knight, you are the best, thank you.  To my Dennis, enough said.  To CC and Company, who created the X-Files.  Lastly, but my no means least, to the readers, you make this hobby of mine have meaning.

Author’s Notes: This is an ugly story.  It is jumbled and races but that is how our minds work.   

 

 

Delayed Receptions

Sara B. 10/06

 

Scully stands next to my bed and with my ears I hear her speaking but I ignore the words and concentrate on her thoughts.  Unlike the other’s, Scully’s thoughts are linear and even.  Even in her panicked state her thoughts are easily discernable.  I see the things she’s suffered through while she was away from me.  I see the ship at the shoreline, the bug swarm and Dr. Barnes wielding a machete.  I see her escape with Amina Ngebe and the vision of the primitive, ‘some truths are not for you,’ he’d said to her.

 

I see other things in her mind and I feel her emotions as if they were my own.  I see Diana and I in an intimate moment in the observation room as Gibson Praise wowed the psychologist with his parlor tricks.  My countenance is so soft, almost loving.  I never knew she’d witnessed that but for some reason it doesn’t surprise me.  What does surprise me is the intense ache it caused.  This explains so much of what happened later.

 

I see myself telling her, nearly yelling, how trustworthy Diana is thus implying she, Scully, is not.  The vision takes on a haze that at first I don’t understand but then realize it is the dullness of disappointment and abandonment.  Scully thought I had chosen Diana over her and, in a way, I have to admit she was right.  Diana was saying all the right things and being agreeable.  It didn’t matter that she’d replaced me as head of the X-Files or that she’d omitted vital information from her report. If Scully had done that I would have vilified her but with Diana I claimed she was defending the work.  Hypocrisy thy name is Mulder.

 

My mind cried out to Scully as my body couldn’t, “Scully, please forgive me!”  I willed her to hear me.

 

I probe deeper; Frohike was sitting next to Scully as she sobbed.  From the surroundings they had to have been in a hospital hallway.  “Scully, Dana, what happened?  What did Mulder say?”

 

“He said he loved me.”  She turned her head and looked away.  “I know this isn’t how you’d think I’d react but… God, how do I explain it?”  She paused to gather her thoughts, “months ago I would have welcomed that from him.  It’s what I’ve wanted for so long.  But now, now it is only an insult to what could have been.  You know the way he’s acted, the way he’s…”  Scully’s voice failed her.

 

“The way he defers to Diana Fowley at every opportunity?” Frohike supplied and she nodded violently.

 

The pain in my chest as I witness this moment nearly overwhelms me.  It is a mixture of Scully’s pain and my own.  I don’t have time to digest this information when the next scene assaults my mind.

 

I see us at Christmas; not the visions of carnage in the haunted house, but later, at my apartment.  We’d opened our presents and were indulging ourselves with a little Eggnog Frohike had given me and talking; but mostly we just enjoyed being together, or so I thought.  I feel her apprehension and how she fought her need to flee.  Scully was afraid of me that night.  She doesn’t know if I am playing with her, trying to draw her in only to assault her later with hurt.  She wonders if I’m successful will I toss her away again and go running to Diana.  I concentrate on her vision of me and see that I’ve changed in her mind.  My visage is not as sharp or as noble as in her earlier thoughts.  It takes me a moment to realize that with each slight, with every lie, half truth and omission her view of me dims and I become less of a man and more of a shadow to her as my substance fades.  I’ve never known such deep sadness as I get from this realization.  I need to know more!

 

Suddenly a feeling of calm and incredible warmth is flowing over me and I see my face.  Not the blurred nearly unrecognizable face from Christmas.  No, this face, my face is bright, the features are defined and I’m smiling.  The smile involves not just my mouth but my entire face, especially my eyes, which are vivid and very green.  The feelings I’m getting are so intense and I realize this is Scully’s joy at waking up to me after she was shot in New York.  I hear her thoughts at that moment and they fill me with utter happiness, ‘I love you, Mulder.’  She didn’t say them but this was almost as good; almost.

 

The feelings of happiness fades quickly replaced by despair and anxiety.  Scully knows that if what she suspects turns out to be true, but if she cannot convince me, she may lose everything, the X-Files, her credibility and me.

 

“Guys, I‘ve been doing some digging into the background of the smoking man and came up with some interesting and disturbing things.  He’s Agent Spender’s father.”

 

“This is unbelievable, Agent Scully,” Byers gushed as he read the file.

 

“This box contains everything I found on him but there are some other documents in there that I need you to follow up on.”  She pulled a thick file from the box, “this file contains some damning evidence against Diana Fowley.  I know this is unfair to ask but I need to have you verify what is in here.  I have to know that someone is not setting her up.”

 

So, Scully gave Diana the benefit of a doubt.  I am ashamed of my actions and accusations.  I should have known Scully would always do the just thing no matter what the cost or who was involved, she wouldn’t know how to do otherwise.

 

I hear the words she spoke to me that ill fated night.  Scully and the Gunmen are telling me about what they’d discovered about Diana and I see the figure she is speaking to and I’m horrified.  Before her is this blurred form with no definite features.  It is standing resolute in its position, completely unyielding and uncompromising; it is me, though not a version me I want to recognize.  This man’s features are dulled by his disinterest and disbelief.  He offers no encouragement but maintains an air of smug superiority and dismissal.  Could this disagreeable visage really be Fox Mulder, could it be me?  Obviously in Scully’s view it is.

 

While I maintained my steadfast refusal to even hear Scully’s concerns I was losing her.  Oh she stayed, physically, but the essence of Scully was dissolving away and I turned a blind eye to it.  I feel the seeds of hate joining her love and they fight for dominance.

 

Suddenly a particularly disturbing thought flashes through my mind.   ‘Why does this surprise you, Dana?  Mulder believes in every other implausible thing, of course he would believe Diana Fowley is innocent.  He KNOWS her, it is only you he doesn’t believe in.’

 

I feel a searing pain as we stand before the slaughter at the airfield. Cassandra Spender is gone and I feel Scully’s mind shut down as she tries to make sense of what her eyes see.  She almost gags from the smells and bile rose in her throat. 

 

Scully was talking to the pathologists who were to identify the victims.  “It is imperative we locate and identify this woman,” she held up a photo and handed out facts sheet.  “Her name is Diana Fowley.  If she was among the dead I need to know immediately.”

 

Later I feel her relief as someone tells her, “Dr. Scully, we’ve eliminated all possible victims and Agent Fowley is not one of them.  However, we did obtain these photos of her vehicle leaving the base.  You will notice that there is a passenger in the vehicle.  Can you identify this man?”

 

Mulder was overwhelmed by the ferocity of Scully’s emotions.  The photo shows Diana driving away from El Rico with CGB Spender in the passenger seat.

 

Scully’s mind raced trying to determine what to do with this knowledge.   ‘I’ll tell Skinner and he can tell Mulder that Fowley wasn’t here.  I’ll see if I can bury these pictures, maybe the guys can help, maybe Chuck Burk – THINK damnit, think, Dana!  Mulder cannot find out, it would kill him.’  Suddenly he felt her defeat, ‘not that he’d believe me anyway.’  His own mocking voice, ‘I know her, Scully. You don't.’

 

“I thought you knew me too, Mulder, obviously I was wrong and I was wrong when I thought I knew you.”

The scene in Kersh’s office played out in slow motion.  Scully’s mind was jumbled and she couldn’t focus, only being involved on a superficial level.  Her thoughts whirled around the recent happenings.  She is so exposed to me and I’m struck by her sheer desperateness.  ‘I will not let him beat me’; ‘if he does not listen to me, I cannot help him, I will stay but I work alone’; ‘if he trusts that woman, he cannot be trusted.  Mulder is now one of the bastards who stole so much from me.  Thieves who took three months of my life, my health, my ability to conceive and murderers who assassinated my sister and my child!  This is what you’ve become, Mulder.’

 

‘It is obvious where this is going and we will be offered the X-Files but I’m not sure I want that anymore.  I’m not going to spend my time constantly competing with Diana Fowley for Mulder’s trust, there is no reason.  I fought to earn that trust every day for six years.  I earned it with my loyalty and my losses; I earned it with my very soul.  And if Mulder is so shallow that the hollow physical comforts Diana Fowley offers is preferred over the truth then he is not the man I thought he was and he is not worthy of me or my trust.’

 

She snuck a glance at me and the vision is ghastly.  Everything is in perfect clarity except me.  I’m a shapeless blob of colors.  I have no form, no substance; as Scully’s opinion of me diminishes I’m dissolving from a man to an unrecognizable thing.

 

I can barely breathe from the revelation.  If my body would cooperate I’d be gasping for breath.  I feel like Dorian Grey as each sin blisters my soul.

 

It feels like hours have gone by but it is mere seconds and Scully is rising to leave.  I hear one last, terrifying thought.  ‘I’ll save you, Mulder, and then I’m leaving.  I won’t stand in the way of the two of you anymore.  I can’t say I don’t love you anymore but I can say I honestly don’t want to.’

 

~

The moment Scully is gone the cacophony envelopes me again and I need to work to focus my thoughts; her thoughts.  I now know that Scully sees me as no better than the Cigarette Smoking Man, Krycek or even Diana.  A deserter and traitor is how she now knows Fox Mulder.  She no longer thinks I’m worth fighting for but will try to bring me back for the love she once had for me.

 

I feel my mind closing down; I see the boy on a beach…

 

~

Scully was walking away from me after telling me of Diana’s murder. 

 

Her kiss remains a ghost on my brow.  I escape to the beach and the little boy I’ve grown to love.  There is something I’ve forgotten, something important.  Maybe Scully will help me remember…

 

The ding of the elevator’s arrival brings me back to the moment and I turn toward the sound to see Scully entering the car.  A deluge of memories and emotions flood my being and I know what I’d forgotten. The doors begin to slide closed and I know I must stop her or risk losing her forever.  “Scully,” I scream, “don’t leave me!”  I see the doors close completely and I feel total loss.  A noise catches my attention, as I look up I see the doors open and Scully exiting the elevator.

 

End

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