Can You Ever Go Home Again?
Sara B. 3/2005
It had been twenty-seven months since he’d walked this hallway. Two years and three months since he’d
seen Scully and William. The memory of that pain filled moment so overwhelmed
him he had to stop and lean against the wall. She’d pleaded with him to
stay but still he left. He’d felt trapped in his life with them, so he
left. He still loved both of them, he always would, but he felt like he needed
to move on. The look on her face haunted him, it had been filled with pain, anger
and a little hate but it still held love. So much love that he almost changed
Twenty-Seven Months Earlier:
“I don’t understand Mulder. We finally have it all
and now you are leaving? We’ve proven the validity and need for the X-Files,
we’ve created a beautiful child together and we took vows and exchanged rings.
I thought we,” her sobs caught in her throat and made it impossible for her to continue. She turned away from him and caught her breath. “I thought
you loved me.”
The pain in her words hit him like a train and he closed his eyes before he could answer her. The order of her list was not lost on him, X-Files first, Will second and her last, this was how she thought
he viewed things.
When he was ready Mulder opened his eyes she was no longer there. He’d
been so caught up in himself he didn’t hear her retreat. Mulder heard a
door close and a lock engaged. Scully had locked herself in Will’s room. He approached the door and listened to her sobs through the door. He wanted to kick the door in and tell her loved her but that wouldn’t change things. He turned around, picked up his bags and left.
The Time In Between:
Mulder’s inheritance allowed him to travel around the country but he found no refuge. Occasionally he tried to assuage his loneliness by picking up a nameless, faceless woman in a local bar. He’d never been able to follow through, leaving before it went beyond kissing.
Two months into his self imposed exile he started to call her just to hear her voice. He never spoke and he never called late at night or more than once a week; no matter how much he wanted. Once Scully even said his name into the silence then she hung up. That was five months ago, he couldn’t take hearing her voice anymore so he stopped the calls.
Mulder stood up and straightened his clothes. Apartment thirty-five,
so many things had happened here. Many painful but more joy filled. The vision of Scully holding Will filled his mind. Mulder
sniffed back the tears and prayed ‘don’t reject me Scully, please don’t reject me.’
Mulder knocked and he heard footfalls beyond the door. The door
opened to reveal a man standing there and Mulder’s heart sunk. Mulder took
in this stranger, this interloper. The man was tall with dark hair and hazel
eyes; so much like himself that they could have been brothers.
“May I help you?” The stranger asked clearly confused.
Mulder took a deep breath before replying, “I, ah, I’m looking for Dana Scully.”
“Dana Scully? Oh, you must mean Dana Mulder; I think Scully
was her maiden name.”
She’d kept his name, Scully kept his name. “Yes, I
just assumed she changed it back.”
“Well, I don’t know about that but she was Dana Mulder when we met her four months ago.”
“She isn’t here?” Mulder was both bothered, that
she wasn’t here, and relieved, that she wasn’t with this man. The
man started to get suspicious of him. “I’m a, well I’m a friend
of hers. A relative actually,” Mulder pulled out his wallet to show his
“Dr. Mulder moved out three months ago. My wife and I only
met her once, the time we came to see the apartment.” The man seemed to
think for a moment then added, “you know, if anyone knows anything it would be the building’s owner Mr. Tapers. She most likely left a forwarding address.”
Mr. Tapers opened the door to find Mulder standing there. “Well,
as I live and breathe. I thought you had taken a permanent powder. I guess Ms. Scully knew you better than I gave her credit for.”
The man walked into his apartment for a moment and returned holding a letter.
“She left this for you.”
Mulder sat in his car holding the envelope tightly, unable to open it, frozen with fear of its contents. He traced his name on the front, her hand writing.
It was not thick enough to hold divorce papers. But that didn’t
mean it wasn’t a letter telling him which attorney to contact. I could
be a letter of love, but after his actions he dared not hope for that. He desperately
wanted to know what was inside but no amount of persuasion would force his hands to open it.
He put the key in the ignition and drove back to his hotel.
The letter sat on the nightstand taunting him, begging for him to reveal its secrets. He tried to nap but the siren call of the envelope kept slumber at bay.
In a moment of sheer desperation he grabbed it and tore it open with shaking hands.
I know some day you will read this, of that I have no doubt; your silent calls assure me of that. Soon you will tire of being alone and you will return to us.
Unfortunately, Will is out growing our small apartment and he wants a dog, a big dog. So we tapped into some of the funds you left us and bought a house, a big house. Big enough for you to get lost in when you need to be alone.
Mulder, I love and need you. I’m waiting for you and so is
Will – come find us.
Your Scully (A.K.A. Dr. Dana Mulder)
The bottom of the letter had the address. Tears were streaming
down his face as he hastened to dress.
Mulder looked up at the house as he drove up and marveled. It was indeed a large house. Big, bold
and traditional and the mailbox proudly announced that the Mulder’s lived here.
It was turning twilight and the sky was painted pink, orange, red and purple.
He got out of his car and made tentative steps toward the front door.
The door was opened within seconds of his knock. Before him stood
a boy whose beauty was a wonderful mixture of Scully and his features. Behind
the door he heard Scully’s anxious voice, “Will, I told you never to open the door unless an adult is with you.” Her volume increasing as she got nearer to the door.
“It’s okay Momma its Daddy.” Will told her with
a giggle in his voice.
“Mulder, oh my God! Mulder,” she yelped as she reached
Before he knew what hit him she was in his arms kissing him and holding him and loving him. “Don’t you ever leave me again because I promise you I won’t be half as welcoming or
Later that night he watched their son sleep while he sat with Scully in his lap.
“I love you Scully, it was never that. You have to know that, it
was never that I didn’t love you two.”
“I know Mulder, I’ve always known. It was a confusing
time for you. Your abduction, our pregnancy, William and our wedding. It all happened so fast and you never had time to deal with what happened to you.”
“Scully, you can’t be this saintly.”
“Oh, I’m not believe me. I hated you for awhile then
I was just mad then I was just depressed. Mom, Skinner and the guys were great
but it was Will who got me through it. He was just starting to put words together
when you left. The day after you were gone he said his first real sentence ‘don’t
worry Momma, Daddy will come back to us. He loves us a lot.” Just like
that, some how he went from ‘Momma eat’ to that in a day.
A few hours later Mulder listened to Scully’s soft breathing as he held her. They’d come together as if no time had passed. He didn’t
know how he’d gone on without this. “I guess you can go home again”
Scully’s eyes fluttered open, “oh, Mulder, Bill wants to have a talk with you,” an evil smile
crossed her face and she snuggled closer to him.