Nostalgia vs. Love 

Sara B. 09/06

Dana Scully stood in front of the full length mirror naked and looked at herself using her most critical eye.  Nice hair but the cut was somewhat severe.  A tolerable nose, too plump mouth, but great eyes.  Too many damned freckles and that stupid mole over the lip. 

Her eyes traveled down.  Small but well formed breasts and a smallish waist with rounded hips; maybe too rounded?  She couldn’t see it but she’d had been told she had a nice butt, although that was usually her girlfriends trying to make her feel better or some guy who thought he had a chance to bed her.

Her thighs were a tiny bit heavy but her knees and calves were okay.  But no matter what, she could never hide how short she was. 

The overall package was not great but it wasn’t completely ignorable.  Yet, that is exactly what Mulder did everyday, ignored her.  Well, not everyday, he paid her just enough attention whenever he got the notion she was fed up, or if she was near death or when he needed to fix his latest screw up.  Other than that it was, ‘Scully, oh, yeah that woman I call my partner, I vaguely recall her.  Redhead right?’  Okay, it wasn’t that bad but sometimes that’s how it felt.

No, Mulder made himself very clear about her place in his life and lately, with the addition of a certain tall brunette former ‘something’, Mulder’s position was painfully obvious; Dana Scully had no place in the romantic arena where Fox Mulder was concerned.

She turned to the side then tried to maneuver to see her back.  The reminder of her last real date glared at her from the mirror in all its garishness.  That night was the closest she’d ever come to a one night stand.  Fortunately, they both realized it was a mistake before it went too far.  Neither of them was in any mental condition to face that kind of entanglement, even if it had only been for a night.  Ed Jerse was missing his family and she was missing, well, she was missing her life.  Considering the results, she was thankful for regaining at least that much sanity.

“Well, Dana,” she said out loud, “it’s time to face the facts and admit what you’ve suspected for a long while now.  Fox Mulder has never and will never see you as anything more than you already are to him: friend, partner, confidant, healer, sounding board, counter balancer and, in some strange way, his family.  You will have to be satisfied with that.  But you also know you have been lonely for too darn long and it is time you started looking for someone to whom you will be more.” 

Scully sat on her bed still watching herself in the mirror.  “It won’t be the easiest sell, girlfriend.  Mid-thirties, never married, career driven, work-a-holic and barren to boot.  Woo-haw, can’t understand why they are not lined up around the block.” 

She reached for the phone and dialed, it was picked up on the second ring.  “Ellen, you promise he isn’t a total dud?”

“No, Dana, Mike is a nice divorced man who is just getting back into the dating world, the same as you.  He has no illusions about his former wife or her live in girlfriend and he has no children.  Mike is a corporate attorney and a partner in his firm.”

“Okay, make the arrangements, but remember, if it goes bad your ass is hamburger.”

“Already made them; Friday, seven-thirty, Paula’s and the reservation is under Prentiss.  Do not cancel or I will have you dipped in copper and preserved forever as you are; alone.”

~

The week went by and Friday finally arrived.  Scully was running over her mental checklist.  Dress - midnight blue and just above the knee; shoes - strappy, high heeled sandals; hair – up wavy; make up – smoky eyes and burgundy lipstick.  God, was dating ever easy?  No wonder it had been so long, this was torture.  Ellen’s copper bath wasn’t sounding all that bad right now.

“Hey, Scully, what if I pick up dinner and we go over that Rosenthal case tonight?”  Mulder called out from his desk.

“I can’t tonight, Mulder, I have plans I can’t cancel.”

“Dinner with your Mom?”  Mulder tossed out offhandedly.

“No, Ellen set me up on a date.”  Mulder didn’t say anything but the incredulity showed on his face and it pissed her off.  “Hey, I might not rate on the Fox Mulder scale of date material but I’m not completely hopeless.  I know you have a hard time believing it but there have actually been a man or two who found me attractive.  Not everyone shares your taste in women.”  She was insulted. 

“Scully, I didn’t say anything,” Mulder tried to defend himself.

“You didn’t have to; your face spoke for you.  Thanks for stealing the last bit of confidence I had.”

Mulder caught her before she got to the door.  “Scully, I was just surprised but only because you usually don’t date.  It had nothing to do with how you look, which is beautiful, and anyone would be proud to be with you.”  Mulder had moved them to the two guest chairs.  “Tell me?”

Scully looked at him for any signs that he was mocking her or if his concern was just pity; she didn’t see evidence of either.  She let out a long breath.  “I’m just tired of being lonely.  My birthday last month served to remind me that I’m not getting any younger.  I’m at a point when I need more than sixteen hour days, more frequent flyer miles than I could ever hope to use if I ever had the time to use them and always going home to an empty apartment.  I want someone in my life that wants me in their life.”

“You have me, Scully.”  Mulder told her in a small voice.

Scully leaned over and kissed his cheek.  “I know and you are the best friend I will ever have and I love you for it.  Actually, it was you who made me realize how time was passing me by.  I’ve noticed you’ve been leaving earlier and how you talk to Agent Fowley on the phone several times a day and you’ve mentioned your dinner dates with her.  It made me recognize that I need romance in my life too.”

Mulder wanted to say something but couldn’t formulate the words.  The moment passed and she was leaving.  “Gosh, I have to get going.  There’s so much to do to make myself presentable.”  She left without further comment from either. 

Mulder couldn’t believe Scully thought he was romantically involved with Diana.  Yes, they talked frequently and they had been sharing dinners.  Okay, so he had been going home earlier than he usually did but that. . . “Christ, I am dating Diana,” he groaned.  No wonder Scully was pulling away.  Hell, when was the last time he and Scully just hung out without work being involved?  “Shit, shit, SHIT!”  Then he hit his head, “and I missed another birthday!”

Mulder heard the elevator ding and he hoped that Scully had returned but it was Diana.  “Fox, I just came down to invite you to my place for dinner.”

“Sorry, Diana, but I can’t.”  Mulder was disturbed by Diana’s tone and mannerisms.  He remembered them from before she left; this was seductive Diana.  He used to look forward to seductive Diana, not anymore.  It appeared that Scully wasn’t the only one that thought he and Diana were romantically involved.  The one time the two women agreed on something and it had to be this.

“Oh, come on, Fox, I’m making your favorite and I can guarantee that you will love dessert.”  She leaned in close.  “It comes wrapped in black lace and has no calories”.  Diana moved to kiss him but Mulder pulled back.

“No, Diana,” he gently pushed her away.  Her face showed her confusion.  “I’m sorry if I have done anything to make you believe I wanted to return to our old relationship but I don’t.  I’m sorry.”

“Fox, I don’t understand.  All those dinners, the flirting and I know you just got a new bed after how long?  That all has to mean something.”

“I suppose it does, it means I’m a lonely man and I let nostalgia for what we used to be to each other blind me into falling into old patterns.  We didn’t work then and we won’t work now.  Look, Diana, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t know that, you don’t know that we wouldn’t work.”  She pulled on his lapels.  “Remember how good we were together, we can be like that again.”

Mulder’s hands covered hers and lightly wrestled them off.  “It would be easy to fall into bed with you and I know it would be passionate.  But it still would be nothing more than satisfying a physical need, and I’m long past taking sexual pleasure merely for selfish gratifications.  It always turns out more complicated than its worth and it is a betrayal of what I really want.”  Mulder tried to smile as he listened to his own words and realized how much they meant to him.  Now he just had to figure out how to make Scully realize it too.

~

Scully sat across from Mike Prentiss and took score.  The man was beautiful, in a conventional GQ, too good looking, way.  Straight Roman nose of perfect proportion, white gleaming teeth and a breathtaking smile.  His eyes were a soft chocolate brown with specs of gold flashing when he was amused.  Mike was tall and his head was crowned with a mass of wavy cocoa colored waves cut perfectly to display his features.  He wore a tailored suit that, she imagined, cost more than half her entire wardrobe combined; his feet were lovingly encased in fine Italian leather.  All of that and he had an impressive mind and a wonderful wit. 

The package that was Mike Prentiss was nearly every woman’s dream, but not hers.  Dana Scully’s dream had a large, oddly shaped nose and a less than perfect chin.  His eyes were hazel that changed with his mood.  He had a smile that melted even her worst moods.  His hair never seemed to be in agreement with what his comb tried to make it do and he had a tie collection that could force you to wear shades.  He was self absorbed, obsessed and irresponsible.  He could rattle off all the royal houses of Europe dating back to before the Crusades but he only remembered her birthday once.  Her dream was Fox Mulder in all his imperfect glory and she just might as well admit it to herself before someone else got hurt.

Scully realized she’d missed quite a bit of Mike’s story so she mentally shook herself and tuned back into the here and now.  The dream is over, wake up for cripes sake!

~~

Mulder left the office after his confrontation with Diana and headed to Clancy’s Pub.  He ordered a burger with all the trimmings and a frosty beer.  He counted no less than four times he reached for his phone to call Scully while he ate, indicating just how he depended on her to be there when a random thought crossed his mind. 

Things had been different since their big blow up just before they were reassigned to the X-Files.  Tonight, during his conversation with Scully and later the one with Diana, made him face that he’d been deliberately punishing Scully.  He knew that Diana was a sore spot between them so instead of being the prudent responsible person he should be, he flaunted his pseudo relationship in Scully’s face.  He wasn’t sure why he did what he’s done but all he ended up doing was hurting both women and himself. 

It was time to stop being foolish before he got in so deep he’d never get out.

~

Scully closed the door to her apartment and leaned back.  She couldn’t stanch the tears after they began and the pain in her chest took her breath.  She faced the fact that Dana Scully was going to live a solitary life and there was nothing she could do about it.  The man she loved didn’t want her and there was no way she could ever hurt another man by not being able to commit fully to him.

Eventually, Scully regained control.  She pulled herself from the door and started toward her bedroom.  The blinking of her answering machine caught her attention.

“Hey, Scully, it’s me.  Give me a call when you get home.”  Mulder’s voice was like an assault on her senses.  She checked the clock and saw that it was after ten-thirty.  Not bad, respectable for a first date.  She wouldn’t be embarrassed to let Mulder know she got back at this time.  She reached for the phone then realized her voice might give away that she’d been crying.  She’d call him after she’d taken a calming shower.

Fifteen minutes later, Mulder answered his phone.  “Mulder, it’s me.  Did you need something?”  She asked and Mulder heard the uncertainty in her voice.

“No, I just wondered how the date went.”  Scully wondered if it meant anything that he’d said THE date not YOUR?

“It was nice, Mulder.”

“Nice as in, boring or nice as in, that I have to start worrying I’m going to lose my Scully?”  Mulder knew he sounded ridiculous but he didn’t care.

“Nice, as in nice; Mike is a really nice man.  Good looking, witty, great conversationalist.  It was a very nice first date.”  Not that there would be a second but Mulder didn’t need to know that.  “Mulder, if you really don’t have anything I’m exhausted.  Would you mind if we talked about this tomorrow?”

“Sure, Scully.  How about if I pick you up at ten and take you out for brunch?”

“Fox Mulder does brunch?  Wait a minute, Fox Mulder is buying?  This I’ve gotta see.”  He loved the lilt in her voice.  “Make it nine,” she was gone and Mulder hung up his phone.

~

Mulder was at Scully’s door at eight-forty and she was duly impressed and confused.  “I never thought I’d see the day that you were early for something,” Scully chided him good naturedly.  “Come in while I just finish my make-up.”

“Scully, you don’t need make-up,” Mulder commented evenly.

She stopped dead and turned to him.  “Okay, either that was a compliment and I’m going to have to ask you to prove you are Fox Mulder or that was warning me that brunch is only a ruse to take me for some very yucky poaching.”

“Scully, it was a compliment and the truth.  You don’t need any make-up and for goodness sake don’t cover that beauty-mark.”  She crossed her arms and just stood there.  “Um, your Mom’s name is Margaret but everyone calls her Maggie.  You have two brothers, or so you claim since I’ve never met Charles though you have shown me pictures of someone you swear is him.  Bill hates me and blames me for every bad thing since the Kennedy assassination.”  Mulder stopped and took a breath.

“And,” was her only response.

“AND?  What more could you want?”  He thought for a moment, “One of your favorite movies is The Exorcist and you have read Breakfast at Tiffany’s at least seven times since I’ve known you.  You hate Gone With the Wind, the movie, I don’t know how you feel about the book, and you can’t stand Casablanca but you love the song from it, As Time Goes By.” 

They were both laughing by the time he finished.

“Okay, I know it’s you but, Mulder, how did you know about Casablanca?”

“Every time it was on TV while we were in the field you change the channel quickly.  Why don’t you like those movies?”

“How about I tell you over breakfast?  Let me finish and we can get on our way.”

They were sitting in one of the restaurant’s corner booths.  “Now, tell me why GWTW and Casablanca send Dana Scully scurrying for the remote?”

Scully chuckled.  “There really isn’t much to tell.  I don’t really know why Casablanca bothers me, hey, it has Bogey, right?  But something about it just hits me wrong.  Gone With the Wind is just, well, I’m not a Clark Gable fan.  Too often he seems to smirk his way through an entire performance.  I just never see beyond the actor to get into the character.  It just seems disrespectful to the rest of the people involved in the production and the fans.”

“I never thought of it that way.”  Mulder said in earnest.

“There are some actors today that do the same thing.  I see them and not their character.  I just can’t stand it when an actor starts believing their publicity and complain about their jobs.  Here they are living a life that everyday people envy.  They get paid millions of dollars to act in a show or a movie that has a shelf life of, what, a couple months at the most.  People cater to them and act as if their opinions are more important because they are a celebrity.  They don’t save lives; they don’t protect others or the environment.  One lousy movie or TV show, and I mean that literally, can earn them ten times or more what a really important person will make in thirty or more years at their job.”  Scully realized she was nearly making a speech and looked down.

“Scully, don’t, I like what you’re saying and I did ask.  So, who does Dana Scully think are really important people?

“The usual, police, firefighters, trash collectors, medical personnel. . .”

Mulder interjected, “Trash collectors?”

“Mulder, I was in New York one summer when the trash collectors were on strike.  Believe me, those people are very important.  Especially on a hot August morning in a third floor, cold water walk up in the front with no air conditioning so you have to keep the window open just to breathe.  Trash collectors are saints.”  Mulder broke out in an infectious laughter that carried Scully with him. 

The conversation was slow and easy.  Mulder told her about some of his offbeat adventures while attending Oxford.  “So, John Forrester hoisted Remy Merridew’s boxers up into the tree and Remy just stood there on the shore screaming while his ‘short comings’ were hanging out for all to see.  Penny Kettering commented that she didn’t see what all the fuss was about, it wasn’t as if there was all that much to see.”

“I’ll bet poor Remy, had trouble getting a date after that?”  Scully said after she calmed her laughter. 

“Oh, yeah, the women weren’t exactly clamoring.”

They both sobered. “This is nice; we haven’t spent much time lately just kicking back.  Thank you, Mulder.”

“You are most welcome and thanks for coming with me.  I’ve missed this, missed us.  Every thing has been so serious between us lately.”  Mulder reached across the table and held her hand.  “You doing anything today or can we just hang out and catch up?  Maybe hit a matinee or just go to the park?”

“The only thing I had planned was laundry and groceries, neither of which is imperative,” she told him.  “I don’t feel like sitting in a movie house, how about if we rent some video’s and make an afternoon of movies, junk food and conversation?”

“That sounds great, but I get to pick the junk food.”  Mulder was adamant.

“Hey,” Scully protested.

“No, I made that mistake once.  I don’t care what you say, Scully, carrot and celery sticks are not junk food.”

“I had Ranch Dressing too.”

“Low Fat Ranch.  I repeat, not junk food.”

~

The final credits started to roll and Mulder looked over at Scully.  She’d fallen asleep about midway through the second movie.  He examined her relaxed face.  He was startled when she said, “see anything you like?”  She hadn’t even opened her eyes.

“Everything, I like, I love, everything I see.”

“Oh, I thought the movie was over and you were staring at me.”

“I was staring at you, Scully.”  She stretched and Mulder almost dropped his iced tea.  ‘Jesus!  She really had no idea what she did to him.’ 

Mulder had no idea when he moved but suddenly he’d captured her lips and her hands were doing magical things to his body. He heard a deep drawn out moan and realized it was coming from him.

“Just think what would happen without these clothes,” Scully purred. 

Mulder didn’t have to be told twice and within a few moments their clothes were lying on a heap and their bodies were entwined in the age old mating dance.  The room was filled with a duet of inelegant beautiful noise and redolent with the perfume from their bodies. All too soon the performance reached a crescendo and Scully cried out in passion and pulled Mulder with her.  Sated and they held each other while they drifted in and out of sleep.

Mulder felt Scully’s body stiffen in his embrace.  “Scully?”

“Oh, God, Mulder, I’m so sorry.  I, I never meant to take advantage of you like this.”

“Scully, you didn’t take advantage.”

“What about Diana?”

“Scully, I’m not involved with Diana.  She’s my friend, nothing more.  I know you thought there was more but there wasn’t.  Some dinners and lots of reminiscences, nothing more.  I can understand where you got the idea, Diana was thinking the same thing too, but, like I told her, I never could be interested in her like that again.”

Mulder pulled the stunned Scully to him and kissed her deeply.  “Scully,” he began, “all I have with Diana is nostalgia not love.  I was wrapped up in memories of the past, not making new ones with her.”

“So, what is this, Mulder?”

“This, Agent Scully, is love and the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”  

End